How have you changed over the years?

(Long post ahead.)

A while back, I was having this conversation on Singapore's education system. While I admit that the perpetual workload kills creativity and drives us to be on a constant vigilance for extra work load, I was arguing FOR the better-good of it. Why?

Because without this system, I might never have been who I am right now.

When I was young, I craved for love and acceptance. Those two are the biggest things that I craved for, ever; more than toys, clothes or anything else in the world. At 5 (i think it was 5), I thought no one loved me and no one cared, so i wrote a "goodbye" note, stuffed it into a drawer and proceeded to chew paper, not knowing it's not all that toxic.

That need to be loved and accepted lessened over the years of having to find myself in situations that demanded the most out of my independence; during the most trying moments and the moments that life had left me hanging, not knowing what to do, and where to go.

So where does the system come into play?

Those who had known me back in secondary school will know how irresponsible a person I had been. I'd sleep in lessons, and put projects off to the last minute. It changed a bit during upper secondary, but I was still that lazy poof.

Poly, with its stress-level due to projects and deadlines sparked off my thirst for that adrenaline rush; the need to do things right. But, poly was really peanuts compared to university.

In Australia, I saw and realized how easy the locals had it there, especially so when I myself is in NTU right now. I know of locals who were complaining about 3 modules, spread out time tables, when we had 6,with electives to clear. I saw how the locals thrived there due to the perpetual workload they had back here.

That to me, is going through the hardships locally to be able to enjoy whatever easier fruits there are in the future, but never forgetting the skills that allowed one to survive through the harder times.

In university, amidst all the workload, deadlines and projects; on top of which family and financial problems, gave me this acute sense of loneliness that I couldn't seem to drive off, no matter what.

The need to be loved and accepted lessened by a lot. I questioned, who do you trust? Who is true to you? The years of trying moments had dampened that immensive childhood need and capability to trust, love, hope and dream for anything other than myself.

Because, I know control myself. I can control how far I want to go in life; what I want to do and what I want to get out of life. I saw how the amount of effort people give to nurturing friendships, relationships and ties was inversely proportionate to the amount they get back. Most of the times, even the basal level limit was not reciprocated. At least with work, the nights of sleep sacrificed, the effort put in to perfect a report, to understand a concept gives me immediate joy.

University and its work load honed my skills to survive under immense stress, to seek to thrive despite the moments I wanted to break down.

It made me have a better view and clearer understanding of my work ethics and the kind of people I work best with. It made me realize that I need to be able to work with people with the same or similar wavelengths. I need initiation. I prefer working with guys (usually) due to their ability to be focused, to be initiative and to get things done without being side tracked. I admire their ability to be analytical in ways that I might never be; to go beyond a certain scope that I can only seek to thrive towards.

And which is why I work really well with Sham and Guna. Thank goodness.

I just wanted to rant, because that single conversation and a comment downstream of it sparked off this whole thinking process in my mind about life, love, trust, hope, dreams... and how at the end of the day, I cannot seem to trust anything at all except myself.

At the end of the day, it just seems to be God and me.

I admit I've changed from someone who had so much to give emotionally to someone who is still able to, but questions the validity of it. But yet, I've changed to someone with absurd work ethics to someone whom I can be proud of after looking performance levels. That isn't that bad a change, isn't it?

Afterall, one needs work to survive, to eat, to live and... to do whatever.

But yet, there'll still be moments when that childhood girl in me sneaks out. Still wanting to be loved. To be accepted. To be needed. And then I let her flourish for a moment or two. Ironically, each time something happens to threaten to crush her, I thank God for reminding me to focus on who I am right now, not the past. It's just so conflicting.

How have you changed?